Number one destroyer of my current mental health: Unemployment.
I could spend the better part of this post going off about the state of the US economy, bad politics, and a blatant disdain for what our country has become. We have a pretty epically awesome history, but– yeah, never mind. I said I wouldn’t complain about what’s become of us.
I could blame everything from the unbalanced hold Big Business has on The Consumer, to the fact that, as a whole, we have become solely The Consumer.
I could blame my parents. Everyone always blames their parents, but it’s not my parents’ fault.
Or I could be honest, and I could blame me. I could do the responsible thing and own up to my actions — or lack thereof. I could tell you that I’m unemployed because I was a lazy, smart ass high school student whose ambition was destroyed by butting heads with teachers who didn’t really care. I knew they didn’t care about their students, and I should have had the good sense to account for that and care about myself. I could have done better if I didn’t blame them for hating me, all the while contributing to their frustration with my bullheaded remarks and know-it-all personality.
I like to think I’ve grown since then. In some ways, I have, but in others — well, I’ve gone from confident in all the wrong ways to self-conscious in all the major ones. Life knocked me down a few pegs; something that happens to way too many people. Reality is vicious. Reality doesn’t care if it knocks you off your pedestal so many times you lose the will to climb back up.
You have to care. No one is going to do it for you. No one can fix you but you, and you can’t fix you if you don’t want to fix you.
I can’t fix me if I don’t want to fix me. I have to sometimes remind myself that talking in the second person isn’t going to change the fact that I am talking about me, even if it’s a topic I want to avoid.
But I’m trying to face it. That’s the point.
I’m broken. I can fix me. I want to fix me.
The steps I’m taking to “fix” what’s broken:
- Job hunting and tweaking my very limited resume to make me look awesome, even though that fact is debatable among employers.
- Becoming a better pagan. We get a bad rep, but we’re too busy being too afraid to “come out of the broom closet” to mend it. Those of us with the ability should make some effort to educate. Not through ‘conversion’, but through our acts in the community.
- Motivating myself. I can’t wait for other people to come along and pull me out of this ditch. I need to write, read, and create the me that I want to be.
- Loving myself. It’s hard sometimes, but I can’t appropriately love others until I love myself. It isn’t fair to expect someone else to love all the things about me that I hate, just so I can fill the gap.
And there’s my very depressing post for today. It took me a couple of hours to write it, because… I hate self-evaluation, as I mentioned a few posts ago.
So, here I am, ready to be better, and willing to make the changes that are necessary to be who I want to be.
Are you who you want to be?